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8 Secrets to a Healthy Sex Life

Just because you have spent years together, married or not, raising kids and holding down a full job or even maybe a full time and part-time job does not mean that your sex life has to suffer. In fact great sex can invigorate you, cheer you up and give you the impetus to get through long and difficult days. The idea is to make the revival of your sex life as important as anything else in your life, even if means prioritizing it by making a to-do list and dates on your calendar where you will both agree to specifically work on making your love life better.

Yet it is seems that many couples use the very ironic excuse of being too close and committed to a life together, to actually connect physically with each other between the sheets. Intimacy should be part of that commitment to being together, but many couples slip into the compliancy, claiming that they are to old to have sex or that the act now feels boring and routine. This may sound strange, but this is where, even if you don’t feel the least bit lusty, you have to “fake it until you make it.”

One way to keep your sex life from feeling stale, is to start putting some positive energy back into the relationship, which is quite easy if you are already quite affectionate with each other. If you are not as cuddly when you first met each other, simply holding hands or looking into each other’s eyes can remind you of why you came to be attracted to each other in the first place because true love never really dies. With the idea of reignited the flame of passion, that may have grown dim over the years, here are 8 Secrets to Reinvigorating and Maintaining a Healthy Sex Life.

#1. Flirt With Each Other

As Milan Kindara, the author of The Unbearable Lightness of Being once said, “Flirting is a promise of sexual intercourse without guarantee.” Yet it is exactly this type of back-and-forth exchange of anticipation that can create a thrilling sense of sexual tension. However, you might be wondering how you could possibly flirt with a person who has seen you do a lot of gross and embarrassing things such as eating an entire pizza by yourself. Here’s the thing; married and serious couples are in it for the long haul and have seen the both the best and worst sides of each other. Also believe it or not, seeing you at your most vulnerable, lazy or most bestial might actually be a turn-on for you partner because it humanizes you. However to arouse your partner, it helps to create a bit of a sense of loss, by sprucing yourself up and taking them out of their comfort zone. The idea is to make him or her think that they cannot rest on their laurels. Let your partner know that he or she can’t take you for granted and make sure you are very well groomed and dressed your best when you do it, by teasing your partner, and then withdrawing away. This in turn will inspire the universal chase.

It is also a good idea to reaffirm your physical attraction to each other every day with kisses, hugs and racier moves such as a little squeeze or slap in the right places. Tracey Cox in her book: Secrets of a Supersexpert; claims that sending a workday sext or going the traditional way of showing affection by placing your hand on your spouse’s thigh during dinner goes a long way in refreshing your sex life making it more exciting (Cox, 2009).

#2. Create Ample Time to Be With Each Other

Everyone keeps a calendar or to-do list but when was the last time that you scheduled in appointment to date your partner? This might sound a bit rote, but it works, especially if you make these meetings a priority over everything else and if you schedule at least one a week. Rather than think about these meetings being appointments for sex, it is a good idea to think of them as being dedicated “quality time.” The willingness to do this is sexy in itself because it expresses devotion and also an intention, which can make you both feel very good about yourselves and the relationship.

Scheduling sex might be a bit too cold and feel like too much pressure for one partner or another. Instead plan real dates, where you formally dress up to go out to dinner. This works because both of you are probably at your most attractive when you look your best. Planning an intimate picnic, with just the two of you alone, also works, especially if you plant to immerse yourself in a bit of nature. Being surrounded by the birds and bees, can actually lead to a romantic interlude. Yet another idea is to do something together that you both enjoy that really gets your adrenalin up, such as watching a scary movie, rock climbing or watching a scary movie. This works because the same biological chemicals that give you that rush of excitement when you are doing something thrilling are also triggered when you are attracted to someone romantically. Although it might seem ironic, actually planning for spontaneity can help you achieve the sort of mind-body connection, which goes a long way in fostering a healthy sex life.

#3. Be Less Predictable and Try A Bit of Sexual Experimentation

If you are always having sex in the same room, in the same positions and in the dark, then don’t be surprised if the passion in your relationship wanes. There are many ways to spice things up is to take a trip away together and so you can cozy up in a romantic locale away from the distractions of taking care of the kids, works, relatives etc. You can also be less predictable about what time of day you have sex. For instance, if you generally have sex at night, try doing it in the afternoon. You can also try having a bath together or making love in the shower.

If you can’t actually go away or change location try dressing up the bedroom a bit with dim lighting, scented candles or satin sheets. You can also try dressing yourself up a bit, maybe wearing sexy lingerie (if you are a woman) and men’s cologne if you are male. A good sex therapist online can provide you with ideas for a better sex life including role-play, mask work and gentle and safe bondage and domination/submission scenarios. Of course it is important that you strike a balance between the conventional and adventurous ways in which you sexually express yourself without alarming your partner or making him or her feel uncomfortable. Still the point of all this is to ensure that you can maintain a healthy regular intimacy over the long-term without being boring or predictable.

You should also be open to different ways which you could express yourself sexually to your spouse. It is recommended that you strike a balance between the conventional and adventurous ways in which you sexually express yourself. You should also ensure that you are both sexually predictable and unexpected to maintain intimacy and not be so boring while you are at it.

#4. Maintain Honest Constant Communication

Tracey Cox, in her book Secrets of a Supersexpert points out that excellent communication is essential for a satisfying sex life (Cox, 2009). Disappointment with your sex life can very often be the result of one partner second-guessing what the other wants, and being way off the mark. This is why it is very important to make a confession to your partner about what it is that you would really like to have happen in bed.

The main reason people fail to talk to each other in bed is because they feel that their lover should have an inbuilt intuition about what satisfies them but the hard truth is that most people are not mind readers. Some people also feel a bit of shame or humiliation when asking their partner for what they want.

Ensure that you talk about everything including things you want your spouse to do to you. Remember that communication is the only way to understand what your spouse really enjoys, wants and needs while the two of you are intimate.

#5 Talk Explicitly About What You Want Your Partner to Do To You

You will be shocked how effective talking explicitly during sex is when it comes to creating a more satisfactory love life. Here you can tell your spouse what you want and how you want it. Diana Hoppe in her critically acclaimed book: Healthy Sex Drive, Healthy You, claims that couples should use express a desire in seductive or even dirty language and then proceed to act out whatever was in their explicit suggestion. This also gets couples to communicate about sex which betters their sex life (Hoppe, 2010.)

If you are not sure where to begin when it comes to brainstorming the kind of erotic talk that might suit your partner then a sex therapy chat with an online sex counsellor can help you come with the verbal cues that might best excite your partner. Sex therapy on demand

#6 Take Turns Initiating Intimacy

A guaranteed way to fall into a monotonous pattern is to always let one partner initiate the intimacy. This can be like watching the same movie over and over again (one with a familiar predictable ending.) Just because a particular spouse is the one who often initiates things does not mean that things have to remain that way. Being a little more accepting of who is allowed to initiate intimacy is acceptable when it comes to your sex life since it spices things up and breaks up the monotonous pattern of nobody initiating sex with anyone ever.

According to sex advice expert Lauren Gray in her sex advice blog Mars Venus Blog the majority of the responsibility of initiating sex often falls to the man because it is part of the human sexual narrative that says that men must start things because it is more romantic and sexier when a man takes charge. If your marriage is older, you might not even be entertaining the idea that woman can initiate sex, because not too long ago was once never done. This was partly because it was thought that the man initiating sex made the woman feel more attractive admired and desired. Yet another reason men often say when and how sex should take places because men have levels of testosterone in their body that are thirty times higher then women, which means they also tend to want to initiate sex more often.
Despite the lack of hormonal imperative to initiate sex, women should do it every now and thing to spice things up a little. Keep in mind too that unless he is a bit submissive, that some males might not feel that turned on or even threatened by a female who always initiates sex. The female who is initiating sex might want to make it all into a bit of an occasion, with candles, sexy lingerie and hot music, so that her partner feels like the one who is being chosen to be seduced.

If a man always initiates the sex, the couple runs into the danger that the man might be discouraged by too many refusals from the female. This can give the male the idea that he or she no longer wants him and he may lose the impetus to keep making romantic moves towards her. The same can happen if the woman always initiates sex and she keeps getting rejected. She will get discouraged and leave it to the male to get things started. Obviously both situations can lead to a dry spell in a couple’s sex life that becomes permanent.

#7 Avoid Excuses and Take Rainchecks If Necessary

Couples are fond of using all kinds of excuses to avoid sex such as tiredness, headaches, provoking arguments and work stress. It could be argued that these are the same excuses that should convince your to make your sex life a priority. Sex is practically medicinal by nature, a true stress and pain reliever, and it also tends to help couples settle disagreements and love each other even more than before. Therefore, your best relationship advice is to ensure that making too many excuses do not take a toll on your formerly bubbling hot sex life before it falls completely off the stove.

An online sex therapist will also tell you that you need to be a good sport about rejection and keep assuring your lover that even if you are tired or feeling sick, that the rejection has nothing to do with him or her. Tell him or her how much you really do want to have sex all of the time. Say things directly to your lover such as “I still want to have sex with you all of the time.”, “My body aches for you!”, and “I still dream about you seducing me.” These words will linger in his or her mind and make things even more exciting for the next time you meet between the sheets.

#8 Maintain Trust

Experts in relationship and marriage advice will tell you that when it comes to a healthy sex life, trust is the essential catalyst for keeping the flames of passion burning almost eternally. It is the partner with resentment or who is suspicious that not only appears unattractive to the other but who is also most likely to withhold sex from a partner without explantion. Partners that trust each other also tend to take a sexual rejection less personally Spouses should always strive to build each other up in order to have formidable trust in their relationship as over the long-term this can significantly improve their sex life.

If you would like to talk to someone such as an online sex counsellor and receive couples counselling or relationship therapy on demand then feel free to contact us at (unknown referral link – insert beneath feel free to contact us.) You can an also receive free online sex advice by scheduling an introductory evaluation and session so that you can be introduced the relationship therapy on demand expert that is right for your situation.


  • Cox, T. (2009). Secrets of a Supersexpert. New York: DK Pub.
  • Hoppe, D. (2010). Healthy Sex Drive, Healthy You. Encinitas, CA: Health Reflections Press. 
  • Kundara, M. (1984). The Unbearable Lightness of Being. New York: Harper Perennial.

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